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Ramadan & my existential pact ...

2 months ago | Diary

This Ramadan really arrived out of the blue, and I was totally unprepared for it, more than everything unprepared to ask for something, to pray something to the God, as these days prayers of even bad people are more accepted than other days of the year, or so is the traditional teachings ...

As at the evening of the first night of the month I was thinking about what to ask, I was reminded of a pact I had with myself, a very heavy pact. I've never told about it to anyone before, but as the idea of

Live this life like I've got nothing to hide

Free and wild

With the heart of a child

So it is necessary to reveal it once upon a time, and I believe now it is the right time, or maybe, later on, it could be too late for me ...

I don't wish to drive the readers of my works into despair, but at the same time, this was the biggest secret in my life since few years. I don't believe without this pact I would have ever been where I'm now, by Allah's leave.

I made this pact years ago when after three days of spending time in different places of prayers and religious ceremonies, in the end, I couldn't live; the unfinished business between my heart and A. S.'s, or, at least, my understanding was that there was an unfinished business there and I couldn't live with it remaining unfinished. So the pact was, as well partly inspired by the last chapter of "The five love languages" by Gary D. Chapman, to go to Switzerland, specifically Zurich, and express my love to her also in the way I act and not only with words and either receive a real justification and peace of heart for why there is no love there or to end up marrying her and hopefully living happily ever after ...

Really, there have been many many many barriers which under no ordinary condition one would be able to overcome them, and I believe, it was me, I wouldn't even dare to walk in that direction if the only other option left to me wasn't suicide; so, even if I can't tell the details of things, but it was really really really beyond my power to be able to move out of Iran, and the rest of specific story ...

Even though I can't really recall whether it was explicitly laid out in the pact or not, implicitly the point was to one way or the other figure out my love life, but now, I'm here, me and A. S. never had the sort of interaction or conversations to clarify everything and perhaps it is not as necessary as it was once upon a time, cause I finally realized I wasn't the man she loved, at least never really from her heart ... but there is a catch in my story, even though I'm not lost with A. S. herself, my love life afterward was nothing any different.

The simplified version of the pact is that I promised to, that either I'll receive God's help to go to Switzerland and figure out my love life, specifically with A. S., I mean, I really imagined me and her are meant for each other back then and for many months afterward, or I'll listen to the conclusion inside me to end my life.

In the past I had written about how much my life resembles that of the Beauty & the Beast –the original version by Gabrielle de Villeneuve and not the nowadays famous one by Jeanne de Beaumont– ... after the events that happened between me & A. S., I promised myself to not get close to such situations, because unlike the ending of the Beauty & the Beast, A. S. proved herself the most useless creature in my life, because as soon as my use of being the object of jealousy for her boyfriend was expired, she had no interest in my well-being, not even a death from heartbreak ... anyway, so was what I promised myself, cause as I didn't imagine myself being immune to falling for love, or maybe I should say, the illusion of love, because there was never such intense feelings accompanied by such intense dedications in the person I hoped to love, not for me at least, or maybe not for anyone at all ... and as the irony of the life goes, when you're so keen to not fall in love with someone in a relationship with another boy or man, and you're meant to be hopeless in love, you'll fall for a lesbian. To be honest, it wasn't exactly "love", but for many many many many reasons I wanted to be affectionate about her ... but it looks like, even if someone I met and felt extremely passionate about and she seemed better than anyone else in my life, when one's fate is to die in heartache, there would be no escape, specially after discovering the resemblance between myself and Echo from the Echo and Narcissus by Ovid ...

So, the first evening of my Ramadan was spent wondering if there could be any escape from the pact I've made, any hope for redemption but there seemed to be none ...

So, the first evening of the Ramadan seemed like the worst Ramadan of my life, in a month that prayer are accepted better than ever, and with the God who is "the relenting, the Merciful", I mean, if nobody loves me, I rather had Him loving me, I rather had Him being like, the way He gifted Adam with His mercy:

سالت النبي صلي الله عليه و آله و سلم عن قول الله: (فتلقي آدم من ربه کلمات فتاب عليه)، فقال: ان الله اهبط آدم بالهند، و حواء بجدة... حتي بعث الله اليه جبريل، و قال: يا آدم الم اخلقک بيدي؟ الم انفخ فيک من روحي؟ الم اسجد لک ملائکتي؟ الم ازوجک حواء امتي؟ قال بلي. قال: فما هذا البکاء؟ قال: و ما يمنعني من البکاء؟ و قد اخرجت من جوار الرحمان. قال: فعليک بهولاء الکلمات، فان الله قابل توبتک و غافر ذنبک؛ قل: «اللهم اني اسالک بحق محمد و آل محمد، سبحانک لا اله الا انت، عملت سوءا و ظلمت نفسي فاغفرلي، انک انت الغفور الرحيم». فهولاء الکلمات التي تلقي آدم

Not that I didn't wish to be loved by the woman who happens to be the Narcissus to my life this time, but not if I'm not the right guy for her, even if that pains, I couldn't literally bear the idea of it being Ramadan and me having nothing to ask but the completion of an overdue pact. I really imagined being in Switzerland be the hardest part but, to be honest, the hardest part turned out to be fixing my love life, and, I guess, three failed attempts –even though maybe you shouldn't count one or two of them as real attempts, but anyway– in my opinion, that's more than enough. I don't mind to continue embarrassing myself for the public, but there is really no light at the end of such tunnel for me, not even lessons to be learned –at least, so it seems to me–...

Ramadan was invariably my all favorite period of the year but this year, standing there it seemed so unfair, so terrible. How strange God would help me do the impossible, living in Switzerland, for what I thought I'll be doing on my own, I had to fail so miserably that I can't even see a way to ask anything from Him. How can I ask to be with S---- when she feels like that about me and how can I ask to be with someone else, when I feel like that about her.

But as said, the point is not despair, so as it should have been published at one point in time, because I promised to "nothing to hide" but the reason for doing it now is that that night, as I stood for Maghrib prayer, I remember the personal request I used to have at my Salat a portion being "help me build our family with someone we have everything good between me and S---- and instead of everything bad between us being good things". I guess it is more than 9 months that I prayed something more or less similar to this, at the start, it was "build my life" and then since that discovery, I realized "our family" is a more accurate request than "my life".

Maybe I don't know S---- much and if I get to know her more, I would have seen there is a lot that would make me not want us to have family but beside few interactions that went terribly wrong, I really never found that many "good things" between me and another human being. Sometimes they are few dead individuals that I thought we would understand each other or that I aspired to be their friends but they are really dead, and it doesn't help in bringing an end to lovelessness and loneliness of my life, to help and support my inner healings ... Even though this was the first Ramadan of my adult life when I could n't imagine to ask for anything at all but helping my death, I guess that late Maghrib prayer and the personal request I set for myself, kind of seemed like a stray of light in the darkness desperation encompassing my life ...

Allah, should I be so hopelessly influenced by a stranger that even thinking of her makes it impossible for my brain to focus on death ...? I mean, that's really nowhere close to fair, just because her friends can influence her opinion of me, doesn't mean You can allow her having such influence over my inner life, and me, by contrast, ... This isn't really nice, mind You if I ask, make her inner well-being as desperately dependent on me that mine is to hers? Maybe even a little bit more, cause there have been so many months ...? I don't wish to break her, if You really won't make us live together in Your mercy, then ... look, I'm really out of my mind about suggestions for a way-out, mind You improvise something? I mean, love to ask You personally, cause it feels amazing to have You respond to personal requests, but I can't live without her, and if I were to improvise, I like that prayer about "never being born in the first place" ...

PS. Really, no despair. So, here is the song to make you feel upbeat, even if you are not with someone you thought he or she is better than the best mental picture of what is your perfect ...

Tom Odell featuring Birdy, Half As Good As You; Live performace (London, 14/12/17)

References

  • فردوس الاخبار ج 3/ 163/ ح 4288، الدرالمنثور ج 1/ 60، کنزالعمال ج 2/ 358/ ح 4237، منتخب کنزالعمال ج 1/ 419.

  • McCurdy, J., and Kelley, C., and Haywood, D., Heart of a child, Jennette McCurdy (CD). EMI. 2012. B008723QPE.