Lost Ideas Lab's Blog

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I just feel so stupid ... I should have learned to treat the kiddo right

5 months ago | Reflections

I never thought of myself any special, but people have been so much behaving like I'm unimaginably hard to convince & while I've been told I'm never persuasive cuz I don't display trust in my own decisions ... –fuck what people have said, if you don't know me, I don't care, this text is not for you anyway ...- in the past, I mean more than 6 or 7 years ago before I was lost in yearning suicide and all the rest, the idea of problem solving so much inspired me, the idea of discovering something new, solving a new mystery and so on and I was watching clips on Youtube cuz I was very low and then House M. D.'s comment that let's keep up cuz it's just getting interesting and that was my attitudes so many years go, now, I'm trying to repeat it to myself and it goes nowhere, just nowhere. I feel like an idiot that I've been searching for an excuse to keep myself alive and then there is this kiddo that just being there can make me want to live & I just feel stupid, so endlessly stupid ... Even if I wanted to keep myself alive instead of relying on my own self to find an independent excuse on my own, I should have learned to treat the kiddo right. I don't know, perhaps that's the stupidity of people who have been given much or perhaps those who have failed to learn teamwork and reliance on others growing up ... is it wrong that past experiences & your own thoughts and interpretations of them made you conclude, the only thing you can do is not to try at all, cuz it will fail anyway ... I don't know, but perhaps we don't need to recreate a day of judgment here, but perhaps the hard-lesson is whether you give up on love from the start or not, whether accept it and fail or not, it is impossible to compensate its effects ... we can believe our brain being all you need in the world, but it just takes few minutes of taking someone's breath till the brain shuts down, so perhaps it is the story with love, too, it just takes few years, till the brain decides to shut itself down, as stupid as it may seem ...

I come from an environment, or better, I spend so many years in an environment that valued something like a fields medal, as ordinary people would value the success of someone like Trump, and first time I watched Good Will Hunting it was a good couple of years ago and there is a scene and a discussion about what is valuable in life and that Will is at a "fragile point" and unlike a movies like "Into the wild" or "Trust", this movie has a happy ending ...

How stupid could I've been to not see the point that the movie is making, neither to relate it to my own life ...

Don't judge me, beside all the mistakes I made in my interactions with her or lack of them, I did ask her out for a coffee and she did kiss another man in front of me, so don't judge me that I just sit there and do nothing and blamed others for my own mistakes while doing nothing on my own side, I did few things, but perhaps not enough, or certainly not the right things ...