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Jealousy & sex: an intimate story

7 months ago | Reflections

The last chapter of this text is something I wanted to publish a while ago –to be precise around the middle of December 2017–, however, I was quite afraid of what would people think about me. But I, kind of, live with the obligation to have "got nothing to hide," so I will publish it, but let's start with something I thought could be considered as a funny statement about my life:

I went to Milan over the weekend and, to be honest, I was positively surprised by how beauty-conscious Italians are about what they wear. Actually, overall, the average of the population seemed so pretty, so much so, that if there weren't all the fuzz about who is your first kiss, I would be definitely desired to kiss few of the men and women on the street ...

I believe everything bad in life is one's own contribution to his or her own life, but I tend to bring my complaints first to the Lord. I usually never complained about stuff like these as often as I'm sad, disappointed and frustrated with myself, other than one time that the language was so strong that it even surprised me myself: Collection of black holes

For many weeks, I've set myself to allow my soul to lead my life, and to allow myself to feel all the negative and positive emotions at the moment instead of being in a state of black-out. So today, at the workplace of someone, as he touched/massaged my face for his profession, I ended up crying while walking back to my rented studio; So, I'm kind of glad that I didn't really ever want to kiss someone or to be honest actually, there are two individuals that I can remember having made such kind of promise/offer/revelation to them on top of my mind. Both times it is a poem, and the idea of kissing those individuals has a metaphorical interpretation and that's what I mean, but also the literary surface-level meaning is also something that I mean if we were lovers. But today I feel, it would have been kind of horrible if I have the same reaction in myself respecting those individuals ...

Sometimes events are so horrifying that there is nothing beautiful or positive to discover in them, at least from my perspective and with my limited human knowledge about the world but apparently we are supposed to be all the time happy and be positive about the events. I don’t like conversations like these but this time to compensate for all the times I spoke about negative aspects of such past events, let's talk about a side-result of it that in the eyes of people who can't understand what these people feel, would be considered as a positive or even a desirable ability:

Sexual abuse when you aren't an adult makes it possible for you to not emotionally register lots of things that are extremely extremely relevant to your heart. A [mistakenly thought] positive result is that you can never feel jealousy when it comes to someone being physically close to the person you love ... You’re just unable to feel those things, just as if you have a prosthetic leg and someone shoots you in the leg, you won’t even bother.

The part that I found unwantedly beneficial about this ability is that the disrespectful fellow about love, who believe you should be dying in jealousy and maybe even kill yourself for having seen those things, so much so that they would consider you a ghost for being alive, would receive a light punishment for their stupid desires respecting you and your emotional and mental well-being, because you will look like totally untouched by all the news. The sad part of it is that the woman you love can’t grasp why you aren’t even sad ... Why you can’t grasp the depth of her commitment to someone else when you have seen her being physically close to that person beyond friendship ... Usually, women believe you were obviously trying to be in bed with someone, that’s why you were talking about your past with those lies, even after such incidents, they can’t grasp there was no lie. I don’t mean to judge those people, sometimes I myself wonder, how can I not feel jealous.

I'm not really sure if there exists some form of "predestined lovers," but if there is, I'll hope the Lord help the person we love each other and me: be together, striving in good deeds together, forever ...

Photo by Olav Stubberud, from Halsey's Instagram

PS. Even though I stole Halsey's boyfriend's haircut, but I wish the Lord make you steal our together activities, dear Ashley, what the fuck "We do drugs together (together), fuck up clubs together (together)"?

PS. the funniest part is, I have to have this conversation with myself from time to time that “Hossein, she loves him, you have been sexually abused, you can’t feel these things, but look, people really like the people they have sex with, you don’t understand this, but we need to consider this in our calculations. I know this is unbelievable, but you just think this way, because you were too early forced to those intimacies and your best memories are hatred, but look, people really love it.” and sometimes it is just exhausting I have to repeat the same conversation to myself about similar people over and over and over again ...