Lost Ideas Lab's Blog

How are you?

My new year greetings with inspirations & great news by individuals I love ...

8 months ago | Diary

Happy new year & merry Christmas and best wishes to every good individual ...

It's a new year, so you can start trying being a good person instead of judging me for excluding you from the greetings!

Maybe I should have written an article like past year but now there is sincerely no time to put myself in a condition that I can write something inspiring, motivating or somehow happy ... yeah, maybe I should have changed my mood traveling, actually I was supposed to visit my parents, but as past months I basically gave up most of the normal routines of my life, so a lot of inefficiencies come in the way and I end up being incapable to move anywhere at all so far, and being extremely behind my internal schedule ...

I sincerely mean it, when I say so, that's how my room looks like, & piles of papers are things I wished to review or have done or at least, sorted out ...

and I'm not a fan of buying people's attention or liking, for that matter, through being happy all the time, not that I dislike happy people or what, but sometimes I'm really pissed off when people are internally not well and then put a happy face and you end up dismissing they need help, sure maybe they will never need my help, but anyhow that's just one reason out of many, but let's get to the nice things:

As I'm not in an uplifting mood myself, I would like to share few updates on social media of other individuals who are really important to me and they too also don't do this faking happiness thing, so what is written here, is really really someone being sincerely better than they have been previously in their lives, I hope that makes you feel a bit better:

A year or two ago I don’t think I could believe I could be so grateful for my life and all the joy and love I am surrounded by. So looking for the new year and thankful for your endless love. 2018 is our year babies.

Ryn Weaver via her twitter account

and don't ask me where she was the past year, the kind of dark places most people won't ever wish to visit ...

and for the last two weeks, I’ve been hitting the gym every morning ... going to work right after ... and the school at night. It’s exhausting, but I love it This year has paved the way for great things to come, so long as I keep pushing ... 2018 will be hard but it will be amazing ❤️🥂

Snow White on Instagram Stories

Yes, of course, I wish to keep the identity of this individual a secret and I'm kind of regretting having told to someone about it, as it turned out she wasn't really honoring any degree of privacy ...

I smiled more this year than I have in my whole life. Hope to break that record in 2018. Turns out a smile isn't such an awful look 4 me after all.

Halsey on her Instagram

I hope most of you being in internal well being, so you don't understand what each of these individuals has been through and don't understand the depth of these revelations, but these are really extremely unusual or big events ... I really sign off the sincerely of these sentences, just for example the last one, I know it is true because I was so much searching for a smiling photo of Halsey and I couldn't find one single photo where the smile on it be a smile because of happiness ... Look, I'm not the kind of person that hangs photos of celebrities on his or her wall. I'm working on a planner app and I imagined like the desk of people in the movies or their wallet, there should be a feature to display the photos of one's significant other, not that in my life there is a significant other, but I wanted to put the photos of significant people in the world to me there ... I guess human's brain always need constant reminders in the environment and so when it comes to someone like me, changing your internal attitude about life from "death in slow-motion" to something of extreme value, is not easy, to be honest, it is quite impossible to not get lost in usual thoughts and behavior patterns and instead keep on living out a new way, overnight ... living in isolation is extremely damning but I guess, living in association with people who don't understand you and with whom you can't make a meaningful connection on eye level, at very least on intellectual level, not only have most of the same damages as a living in isolation but it also wears off your sense of identity and your perception of the value of your existence ... not that I wish to say, there is no one around in my geographical location with whom I could make a connection, of course, I don't know all the people here, but I extremely extremely extremely extremely needed this constant reminder about the existence of these individuals, I guess it means nothing to other people, to know if some particular person whom you have never met or knew directly and may never will, is living somewhere far away or not but to me and for my life, such individuals are extremely rare and being reminded of their presence especially in moments when I experience emotional/psychological breakdowns out of nowhere, is such pure remedy to find my way back to the reality of my current state of life instead of being lost in the past ... there were days I would wake up and be lost, and to be reminded about individuals with whom I felt some connection, some similarity, some hope that our interactions could be like best friends, was really an impossibly useful reminder to not be lost and to be able to find some little handle on the idea of living ...

& here is a screenshot from one of the pages of the app that had this photo container built into it:

But then I got in this stupid situation about jealousy & I wished to prove to that person, I really am not interested the woman she thought me to be interested in ... not that I sought anything special between me and the woman she thought me to be interested in more than her, it was only because how I looked at her face, and my look at her face was because she had a similar hair-cut like A. S. and she was being interested in what I'm doing & I'm that like a poor child or a desperate artist, who has been so unrecognized that he would fall for every tiny bit of attention being paid to real him or his work, not matter how phony or little that might be ...

I really don't like to dismiss her concerns, I guess from her perspective they were all fine, specially as she can't read inside my brain nor heart, to know how I feel about her, or to even know how I feel about other people ... I really don't know how or why I did end up locking myself from the world like the Beast in "Beauty & The Beast" but I have no interaction with other people, no interaction with anyone that could be interpreted as a sign of emotional attachment ... I wished I had treated her differently, but I guess part of being a beast means you believe you are going to harm people or they wouldn't like you anyway ... I was reading the article "The Wall of Love Outside a Jail" on the new year day on New York Time ... I am against imprisonment for lots of felonies and crimes as we currently do and I believe social justice system needs fundamental work, there are drafts of articles and an idea named after Rosa Luxembourg partly, waiting to be published on my desk, by these concerns aside, the article turned out not to be about social justice system or its effects on the lives of people, rather it was describing how the family of the inmates would come and if it is not possible a visit they would hang a hand made placard on the wall outside the jail, and how this has become a thing, the contrast between the lives of those prisoners and mine seems so astonishing to me. Even the "bad guys" –I mean from the perspective of the society bad guys– have people who love them, who have an attachment to them and who care to make sure they know they are being remembered on important dates, like Christmas. Quite recently I wrote a piece that partly covers what I wished for myself respecting these attachment motivated behaviors, and extremely honest with you, had you asked me in previous years, especially the time before I understood what is "dating" and etc, I was really incapable of even talking expressing my wish for such things. I have no idea whether it is an inborn thing, or a result of childhood experiences or whatever, but I wasn't capable of being aware that I have such needs in my consciousness. For example, this very young woman, is the only person, I ever put an effort to look at her face, as an expression of affection, and don't get me wrong, it wasn't something that naturally occurred to me, first it was the movie "The Fault in Our Stars" that gave me the comfort that it is okay to gaze at someone you like very very very very very much, and I had a hard time to accept such suggestion, but I finally did so about her, and I give her all the rights in the world to be jealous if she sees me looking at the face of someone else ... I don't know what had happened to me, that even the tiniest interaction that could result in attachment, I shy away of it, so similar to the Beast locking himself from the world in his castle, if we understand this as a metaphoric image describing someone avoiding emotional attachment, instead of considering it a fairy-tale, and if you read the story as a metaphor it becomes very funny or perplexing, I mean, if we consider the castle as a reference for the Beast's heart, then it all makes sense, the fact that he considers the intruder worthy of punishment for picking up a rose from his garden, because this is like taking emotional advantage from someone, but the most perplexing part is that while the castle is closed to all else and there is apparently no visitor at all, as soon as there is that particular woman in the castle, she is declared as the mistress of the castle. I believe the original version of the story by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve is a much better one to read metaphorically than the Disney animation or the late movie adaptation of it, because there you have other people in the Beauty's life:

A widower merchant lives in a mansion with his six children, three sons and three daughters. All his daughters are very beautiful, but the youngest, Beauty, is the most lovely, as well as kind, well-read, and pure of heart; while the two elder sisters, in contrast, are wicked, selfish, vain, and spoiled.

Wikipedia, page for the entry "Beauty and the Beast"

and those very people are capable of recognizing what Beast's behavior means and why he is putting so much effort around their youngest sister, yet they rather wish that emotional bond never takes place between the two:

For several months, Beauty lives a life of luxury at the Beast's palace, having every whim catered to by invisible servants, with no end of riches to amuse her and an endless supply of exquisite finery to wear. Eventually, she becomes homesick and begs the Beast to allow her to go see her family. ... Her older sisters are surprised to find her well fed and dressed in finery. Beauty tries to share the magnificent gowns and jewels the Beast gave her with her sisters, but they turn into rags at her sisters' touch and are restored to their splendour when returned to Beauty, as the Beast meant them only for her. Her sisters are envious when they hear of her happy life at the castle, and, hearing that she must return to the Beast on a certain day, beg her to stay another day, even putting onion in their eyes to make it appear as though they are weeping. They hope that the Beast will be angry with Beauty for breaking her promise and eat her alive. Beauty's heart is moved by her sisters' false show of love, and she agrees to stay.

Wikipedia, page for the entry "Beauty and the Beast"

Disney adaptations and to be honest most of the blockbusters take out these complexities from their stories, the fact that you'd believed someone had the best interest of yours at their heart while in reality, they wouldn't bother to see you die, even if those people being your own siblings. I really believe you should read the story metaphorically because then the resemblances between my life and the Beats are impossible to dismiss:

Every night, the Beast asks Beauty to marry him, only to be refused each time.

Wikipedia, page for the entry "Beauty and the Beast"

I rarely ever saw the events in my life in this light, but the article by New York Times, how ordinary it is for others to act out of attachment, and how meaningless or impossible it is for me, to act similarly, even if I'm no convicted prisoner because drug dealing or etc, I don't why I'm this way, but I give her the right to think she is not special to me

At the end I decided to offer the very young woman, if she would prefer me to behave that way, I try to avoid looking at the face of any other woman than she herself. I guess she had no clue I was developing this app, and I guess certainly she didn't know about this feature and very certainly she would not have understood me about the impact of looking at these individual's face ... what are you thinking with yourself? I mean, sure I wished I was not so desperately poor in interaction with human beings and so I could have asked her for a photo but yeah, the university had photos of us going to events and so I cut her photo from the photograph we had together & for the list of photos that remind me to live & can bring me back to life ...

Ah, I was just forgetting the reason I started telling you about this app and photos of those individual's face. Halsey, of course, was another of those individuals and as said I have no preference for seeing people's smile even if fake, I rather know how the person who is important to me is feeling, so I can be the best in responding to what he or she needs ... but the reason I was looking for a smiling face from Halsey, was because I read this suggestion somewhere, that if you have trouble approaching people, instead of imagining everything going wrong, look at some happy faces and imagine that's how someone reacted to you when you approached them, just to change your mindset, as supposedly you get what you ask for. and you know that may sound like an optimal solution to others but I even got the advice about "love yourself first" this year from someone ... it is not only that I expect people to reject me, it is that inside myself, I hate myself to such a degree that I can't except any other outcome ... and yes, that self-hatred and constant expectation of being rejected, of course, acts as a devil cycle and self-fulfilling prophecy in the long run, but you have to understand, the self-hatred have lots of roots ... anyway, that was the reason why I was looking for Halsey's smiling face. However, as of know, after having made that offer to the young woman, I end up deleting all those photos from the app, because of her ... so this is how the newer version of the app looks like:

Apologize that my greetings text is finished a bit late, but I also didn't wish to share with you this not happy sounding details on Christmas date but as said, I'm not a fan of faking happiness either and as this stories have all been about individuals going through harsh things in their lives let’s end this letter of greetings, with a tiny Surah from Quran, so even if you be in one of those harsh situations now ...:

Have We not caused thy bosom to dilate, [1] And eased thee of the burden [2] Which weighed down thy back; [3] And exalted thy fame? [4] But lo! with hardship goeth ease, [5] Lo! with hardship goeth ease; [6] So when thou art relieved, still toil [7] And strive to please thy Lord. [8]

armaduke Pickthall's translation of Quran

PS. This blog is supposed to be partly about updates on what I'm up to, so if that's the reason you're here, thank you for your interest in following what I'm up to, I hope [some] works at Lost Ideas Lab change your life for the better ...

PS. Dear Ryn Weaver, Snow White, Halsey & the unnamed young woman, I'm grateful for your presence in my life, to whatever degree it had been & not that I didn’t wish to build a family with someone we loved each other, but I believe I’ve too many mistakes for that to come true ... anyway, I love you