Scrappy Earthling | No Homeland

wish to be essayist, storyteller, poet-singer, filmmaker, social entrepreneur, originator and ward off (evil) …

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Lesbian beauty of girls

2 years ago | Reflections

I have started a Tumblr blog to follow lesbians, so I can have an idea how their lives look like, and find the answers to my questions. [Yeah, I know I can watch porn but that was not the point], a few weeks ago I found this post on Tumblr from on one of the lesbian blogs I follow:

i see so many girls and there’s so many different types of pretty… there’s like the honey, green tea pretty girls that like sitting outside and soaking up the sun…. the dark pretty with black eye make up and wild hair and piercings… the bad bitch pretty with killer highlight and striking style….. the lazy pretty girls with snapbacks and sneakers…. the bookish girls with glasses and sweaters that make your heart melt…. the soft Angel pretty girls who just look as sweet as a peach with soulful eyes…. the cute girls with chubby cheeks and messy hair and it seems like warmth emits from them… girls are so fucking beautiful

I didn’t know that’s what lesbians feel attracted to, but to me, the two lesbians women I know are pretty for other reasons than all these. I’ve already written my songs, so I did try my best to talk about their bodies, but what I liked about them was having the feeling of being understood.

Come on, don’t judge me that I am just saying so because I am a boy. I usually avoid women, or better said humans, because they hurt me, their devil morals, their stupid behaviors …

I talked mostly with one of them, and the problem was, once I expected her girlfriend to come to me, fight with me over her, she was that vulnerable fragile being, waiting for me to say I love her, and perhaps having an unavoidable kiss, but, oh, I had serious months of fighting with myself till I was able to touch her arm as for goodbye. Maybe, that’s a western girl’s problem that they don’t, can’t, imagine boys can get sexually abused too, and that perhaps in a country like Iran with some erotic restriction and with destroyed family life, such cases might be more often on boys, after all, you don’t get your hand on a young girl so easy.

I tried so hard to understand how to best treat them, how to avoid breaking their relationship with one another, how to try to have relationship with only one of them, when the other one is more concerned if there is something in my heart for her that I am hiding from her, than whether I can be a good partner for her girlfriend.

Human beings are complicated, and that my erotic life has been disturbed, doesn’t even make it better and that the girl I tried to love is in a relationship with girls, feels like not being able to walk correctly and then being thrown into water and people expecting you to be able to swim better than you are able to walk. I just feel to be drowned and I have no idea whom to look at to learn swimming from.

Probably, I am scratching my mind over something which is not that important but then the problem is when I run into her and asking, “do you really read my message” and this was after no more answering any of my messages again, and she responds “I read all of them” and that’s a moment where I can be puzzled. Cuz if I read someone and disagree with, then I will push back at him or her, unless that person is unimportant for me, and in that case, I won’t continue reading such person, but she only reads my message without any response. I couldn’t imagine this is what is happening.

Anyway, I find them pretty because of their behavior and how they view the world, not on the surface but deep inside, but if how lesbian girls communicate with each other is just like that lesbian woman, and again I believe the two girls I met are really very beautiful —at least the kind of beautiful that I like—, I don’t like to build my relationship only because someone’s body is female, and actually, that was never the point.

You may call me a homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, or perhaps best, someone who couldn’t change his status from asexual to something else, because of sexual abuse, but if I ever tried to work on my sexual life, if I ever tried to sit down with sexual trauma, and face all the horror again and again, it was only because I believed that is necessary to make the woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with, happy. Okay, she actually married someone else, and the other people I loved …, but to me beauty, even erotic beauty was not, never, just related to someone’s physical appearance, and impossible so, for their gender, For me, who they are born and who they are and who they become, always played together with physical appearance …

I wish they could understand how my view about humans are, even though our society advertises otherwise, even though we call those who sleep with numerous women “smart”, even though if a man ask you for marriage before ever trying to kiss you, it looks impossible …

I wish they could see, it wasn’t all about me, to try to meet two interesting individuals who are very unusual in our times and cultures, with more love than I would have for any other person … my love is for the beauty of who they are and it is lucky that all women are attractive in their appearance and these two individuals more than others in my eyes because of their acceptance of me …