Lost Ideas Lab's Blog

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Initiating an existential change of internal attitudes

2 months ago | Diary

I haven't post updates on the blog, in part because I have been at an unimaginably vulnerable point internally and I couldn't bring any of the highest priority tasks I have set for my self any tiny step forward ...

Three months ago, I wrote the first draft about a text, on how understanding my heart better pushed me towards considering its wish so impossible and so resulting into condemnation by all parties involved that I immediately end up in dissociation.

But I set myself to post frequent updates about important things I'm doing on this blog.

Few of the latest reminders where for example when I received a letter from the public transportation company reminding me that I have reached 25 and will be no longer benefiting from their reduced price for youth people. The other time it was when I was offered to get the old phone of ... I mean, I have been enough busy with myself, and thankfully my parents have been generous enough to support me financially, but such a life was never my dream. I wouldn't even call it "my life." And yeah, suicide makes perfect sense to me. Sure, there are one or two individuals that my heart wished us to be the other half essential part of each other's lives, so much so, that death would appear a more pleasant alternative to any scenario in which we aren't together, but "death" is not the same as "suicide", for the latter you need to have a desire of punishing yourself, for "death" neglecting your health, becoming addict to serious drugs or taking on risks that touch on border of life-death, you can probably draw the meeting date with death sooner ...

Marsha Linehan [form series of clips by "Borderliner Notes", titled "Goals of Therapy: Cutting and Suicide Likely Won't Get You There"]

One can have many speculations why have I abandoned myself, and my childhood dreams about my future to such an extent that the automated email of a service company has to remind me that I'm too old to not have established my own separate unit of existence in the society. "My own separate unit of existence in the society," what a jargon. Yet I always dreaded the term "family." Maybe other single people at my age have the excuse of being experimenting with the idea of having a romantic relationship with someone, for my life that excuse itself never existed either. As much as it makes sense for an excessively romantic-oriented individual to morn on a lost love for years or decades, to my understanding "lost love" does not apply to my circumstances.

Nowadays women who reach a tribune often talk about how girls and young women ought to dare for being the boss, COE or the president; and it surprises me that unlike the general understanding of fake feminists, that almost as if there is a secret society inhibiting women from following their aspirations since early childhood till death, and forcing men to become dominant patriarch figures, somehow I have been left aside by that secret society. My father never cared about my activities unless he was to pay the costs of the equipment and etc. or otherwise other have made him feel proud about having such son, and my mother would often call me to not dare more than what is set for me. I almost learned to hide my success than boosting my achievements, and it fits well; especially as people don't like successful people who look the same as them. It makes them feel bad about themselves.

Anyways, these past days I discovered something, or better said, I came across an attitude which might be the golden key to break free of this internalized self-abandonment. Yet, I have been telling myself that I will aim at initiating this change of attitudes inside myself from tomorrow. And that tomorrow has been more than a week perhaps. Almost as even the mere prospect of me realizing my childhood dreams would result in others hatred for me and me being low on emotional attachment, won't be able to handle it.

Finally, I end up hurting my feet and being even unable to take on the running challenge. Instead of every day that started with "okay, it's already too late to initiate that change right now, let's go running and when we come back, we can do it," today I end up with literarily no excuse to fill my morning. Of course, my body won't forget to comply with the long-standing tendency of self-abandonment, so, I woke up in a headache – not taking into account all the times I woke during the night due to nightmares.

"Is there anyone interested in your success regardless of his or herself," my mind began wondering, so it may ease the transition. "Definitively, someone who sincerely loves you."

Somehow, inside myself, I was/am always convinced everybody would hate me if I have a happy relationship with someone and that someone isn't the woman they thought me and her making a perfect couple with each other. But is it my fault that these people never took into account that maybe what they think about me is not exactly who I am; the person who they think can make me happy may be nothing but a burden to my life? Except for one example, everyone thinks I should marry someone from Iran and me on the other hand, see no connection between myself and that culture. Since childhood, I didn't drink tea, didn't like rice and these are just the most oblivious differences, of course not everyone in Iran drinks tea.

But if I have to be a disappointment to my parents and everyone else by being financially dependent on them at such age and having not settled for a career and etc. perhaps it won't really matter if I be the disappointment to others for being successful and having content in my life with things they have no understanding for; with a career which has nothing to do with my character and nature, and a woman that could have never made me happy, had I asked the advice of these people.

I wrote this piece to end it with the suggestion that "I really feel fearful, so pray/wish for me the best of success, the kind of success that is meaningful to me;" but I guess it is too much to ask for if you are one of such individuals.

May the Lord help everyone who is different to become who he or she is meant to, regardless of the public's approval or contempt ... then:

Ye cannot escape in the earth, for beside Allah ye have no protecting friend nor any helper. [42:31]

And it is not that I don't believe you don't need others or that others can't harm you if they aim for it. Even the Quran itself contains recommendations for such occasions:

Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of the Daybreak [113:1] From the evil of that which He created; [113:2] From the evil of the darkness when it is intense, [113:3] And from the evil of malignant witchcraft, [113:4] And from the evil of the envier when he envieth. [113:5]

Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind, [114:1] The King of mankind, [114:2] The god of mankind, [114:3] From the evil of the sneaking whisperer, [114:4] Who whispereth in the hearts of mankind, [114:5] Of the jinn and of mankind. [114:6]