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Dear Jennette McCurdy: May it be a secret between you & me ...

6 months ago | Diary

Okay, it's really amazing, to see you on the set as the director … sincere congratulations … even thoughts that's one of your many times working as director, but still …

But, not fair, not fair, not fair … all your constant reminders about keeping up your weekly updates, I sort of imagined, the reason you aren't posting anything is because of being in pause because of sorting out something in your life or minds or something like that … & I didn’t want to beat you in your professional life, so, I sort of went on one of those periods for my own too … Okay, to be honest, there were few things I couldn't deal with & they pumped out to my awareness all of the sudden …. but I guess, if I had heard of you, I had tried harder & harder to bring myself & my life back on ordinary routines of the day …

However, this time, unlike rest of periods when I took a little time off from working on my ideas, and end up rather more confused than before, I discovered things that made me understand few aspects of my life & my past behavior better and I hope in the future I'll be a totally different person in those respects …

Would you mind, if I ask you, let it be the secret between you and me, since few days after you stopped posting everything & I went down the spiral of discovering lots of things I was in darkness or denial respecting myself, I end up breaking in tears more bitterly & frequently than nearly all of my life, save the first time, I believed I should have loved someone & I was mad at myself for making her leave & believing I shouldn't be living if she was supposed to be the love of my life & I forced her to accept I don't love her & leave me …

However, this time, I found some role-models to live differently, to accept the differences I have with others and to be at peace with myself … A great shock was accepting my resemblance to this character:

Actually role model is not the right term, and I had watched the first series of this movie a year or two ago & back then two some of the characters really resembled how my life has looked like and I learned a bit to accept that I don't have to force myself be normal, actually I read this message first between the lines of "The Rosie Project" but back then, I was still not over with the idea of being a respectable member of society, just as my parents be proud of … but this time around, I was more capable of seeing my resemblances to the characters, especially as in this season the focus was on a different character that I guess we share some similarities … and dear Jennette McCurdy, I wish to thank you for your video talk about going out on the weekend & so on & so fort, I didn't agree with your judgement that all the people who go on such parties are doing not a good thing, because I guess people are different and different people require different environment to best communicate with one another, to best get to meet strangers, to best make connections, to best … but if you hadn't told that you dislike those parties too, for reasons that resonate with me a lot, I guess, I still would have troubled a lot to accept the lifestyle choice that this character has in coping with her environment & the special gift she has … I owe you a world gratitude to you for that, thank you so much. To be honest, all these well-intended people who would tell me I should go out more, be more social and all the rest, & me being faced with options to interact with people, I'm not interested in, nor do we have similar interests and passions … when I was younger those suggestions didn't bother me, but after so many years me neglecting all, I was on the edge of despair about what I wish versus what the environment has to offer to me. The God bless you.

So, I'm grateful for having found these answers to questions, I didn't ever want to even face asking them about myself … but I want to be a bit teasing you and say: it is not fair to make someone who's competing with you cause he loves, & wishes to share the journey instead of beating you, to believe you're making a pause, while in fact, you're moving forward without him noticing you …

But I guess, I have to come to also be more in touch with the reality & that there is a great discrepancy between our professional lives & I sincerely have to catch up a lot to be on eye-level with you, maybe … but before this incident, I was hesitant to go after asking real solutions for catching up my distance with you, but now that you play unfair, here we go: I pray the Lord help/make me becoming way more successful so fast that you would be left confused, how could this even be possible …