Scrappy Earthling

https://galacticvisions.xyz/weblog | No Homeland

wish to be essayist, storyteller, poet-singer, filmmaker, social entrepreneur, originator and ward off (evil) …

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Maybe I too have been anxious about having a first kiss ...

5 months ago |

I really tried hard to get myself to have the appreciation for being alive and yet, still deep inside my biggest wish is that I had never been born or never lived as long to see such days in my life.

I don’t know how could I lose the will to live, but somehow, after all these attempts, it seems like once one has lost the will to live there is no cure anymore ...

As a romanticism fan, probably I should have said “love is all you need,” but sometimes you reach a point in life where being loved by someone whose love could have been igniting to you, is so out of reach, so in a distant horizon that ... that perhaps the happiest coping mechanism would be to adopt Jack Sparrow’s lifestyle: be a pirate in romance with rum!

But the days of piracy are over, even the last of 21-century pirates either have been killed as in the case of Ilya or made a transition to monopolistic tyrants like Mark, Peter & co or are struggling in between the two extremes as the case with Elon.

But I lost the tide of being such pirate back at youth ... Perhaps even then, I have had no residual willingness to live left in me ...

Once when I was young, I watched an indie art movie that represented death with being kissed by an angel. Back then it was an elusive idea to me, but now I have a different appreciation for that imagery: to be frank, I have no idea how much people really worry about having a first kiss but from its representation in Hollywood made comedies, I guess, maybe a lot. I always supposed it’s trauma that is holding me back from such desires, but there were only less than fingers of one hand the occasions I wished to exchange a kiss with a woman, and only one of them was about someone I know in person. Maybe if all the fucked up stuff weren’t between us, it would have been different; How should I know? I never desired her to kiss me than that one single moment ... there was, in fact, nothing particular, nothing out of ordinary that day in me or between she and I than all the other days ... but what I really, anxiously, deeply desired for all these years, a desire that grew stronger and stronger every day of adulthood, was death. How poetic!

Perhaps, I was not that different than any other young boy, perhaps I too was very obsessed with having a first kiss, but my first kiss would not have been with a human being in female form and certainly not the beginning of a romance ...