Scrappy Earthling | No Homeland

wish to be essayist, storyteller, poet-singer, filmmaker, social entrepreneur, originator and ward off (evil) …

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Inevitable memory of a ruined aspect of identity

3 months ago |

I've been trying very hard not to break in tears in the middle of street, or at least, so had been my expectation of side-effects of making progress about certain trauma(s) from my past, but sometimes the life you got and the life you kill yourself to have won't even greet each other if they were passing by in the street.

I have tried very hard to find excuses to forgive my parents [for certain things] or to figure out some mental justification to have more positive attitudes towards them but ...

But, sometimes you just can't help yourself but wonder: Why did you do this? Why did you gain by doing this?

I always wanted to never think about my childhood. I remember writing my negative thoughts and feelings about my parents in a notebook as soon as I could write some English or German so that they won't read them, but even then I was so horrified by committing the crime of not loving back someone who loves me.

Now I just can't believe how the woman who was supposed to be my mother was so bitterly discouraging of every possibility of me following my passions. "Discouraging" is a joke. For example, back when I was 17, I thought I would study something "economics" related. That was my first choice, and I had a university in mind, but that year that university was temporarily closed by the regime because of regime's plan for "Islamization of human sciences" and the few professors I was looking forward to being their students for one or the other reason were jailed. Literarily jailed.

We weren't in the middle of a civil war in Iran and those professors weren't criminals but still, jail is to Iranian's thinkers what Cafe was used to be to Parisian's back in time or to Albert Einstein back when he was a professor but didn't wish to bother himself with teaching theories of other people and rather discussed his own theories at a cup of coffee with his students.

Yeah, filmmakers would be political prisoners too, if they were old enough to have made their name and their fame before the ending of what Iran's revolution was meant to be but got stolen by certain opportunists who used those ideologies to seek ultimate power, not because they had any belief whatsoever in what those ideologies were supposedly rooted in. I mean, other filmmakers usually end up without any cash to produce anything of substance to ever become a "filmmaker" in the eyes of the industry or the public, for that matter.

So, yeah, one of the many missing untold truth is my life is that I didn't leave Iran in aspiration of making fame or money elsewhere, neither because I have turned back from Islam, nor because I miss public permission for Alcohol and sex consumption. Even if personally I had no motive to leave Iran, the only place left to survive for me in Iran was and is "political prison".

I don't think, these should be the worries of a no-name teenager who's looking forward to grow-up and become a journalist, filmmaker, economist, entrepreneur. Yeah, even entrepreneurs could end up in prison if they get rich too quick and don't have enough bond to the sitting government and heads of the state. Sorry, I'm not repeating Voice of America propaganda, I have had a first hand or second-hand sources about whom and why and how. And I don't fucking support an American, or NATO or etc. invasion of Iran to bring democracy there. Iran is literarily the first democracy toppled by the US in the Middle East. Sorry, when it comes to the European and their offshoots, they fucked up all their chances for being a positive influence in Iran in the past 300 years, whether they like to accept it or not.

Tales of survival are always a curious miracle. But often they have one thing in common, when everything else failed somebody, something, someone, somehow there was a thing or person that treated the victim differently.

There have been things that my parents have supported me, but I think they were doing it not because they were trying to help me grow into a successful individual rather avoid having visiting me in jail. I mean, literarily, individuals from all walks of life and with every degree of relationship with me have warned me that I'll be a political prisoner if I speak my mind, or do this or do that. Yes, even supporters of the regime, even individuals who have been participants of the winning party in Iran's revolution back when they were young had warned me directly or indirectly that I'll be a political prisoner. "Warn" is not the right word about everyone, some had used their chances to just "predict" such future for me because you have to imagine, I was really young, like 15, when I started to hear things like this.

I mean, even Donald Trump would chant "lock her up" but Hillary Clinton wasn't some no-name 15-year-old, she was his only competitor for his presidential bid. I mean, if I was old enough and if I was politically challenging the position of this or that sitting president, or whatever, then yes, it was okay for other people to tell me I'll be a political prisoner if I think the way I do, but I was just a teenager, passionate about art, religion, science and the truth and also the moral and economic well-being of people.

So, you can imagine how desperate I was for finding someone who supports me following my passions, or finding some path to be with professors, teachers, or mentors who aren't in jail, and stuff like these, but even though in our households my parents tried to totally block out everything related to me having a certified place in Iran's political prisons, they discouraged me on a whole range of personal motives.

In my high school, it turned out that some teachers referred to me as the student who doesn't accept bullshits by teachers, but my psyche is not made of Iron. I broke, burnt and end up ruined by the time I was 21 and ever since I hadn't had a successful shot at recovery.

Usually, when someone is facing unjust cruelty by certain people, the rest of people try to be exceptionally kind to that individual; That's why political prisoner receive donations, or if examples from Iran are too mixed up by propaganda of Iran and Anti-Iran's regimes, then I can offer you a non-Iran example: Julian Assange. Many people helped [and still help] him even though he is not really a typical socially friendly individual. I mean, if he wasn't treated that cruelly by the US, Britain, and Swedes, probably most people won't want to be friendly with him, simply because he has one of those outcast personalities that is hard to be friend with.

Later on in life, there have been certain individuals who helped me without directly benefiting from it simply as a "pro-bono" case, but my mother, especially my mother was/is the total opposite of that.

Being a filmmaker is hard where-ever you are in the world, simply because it is "art" and yet from the perspective of the public it is an "industry" and art and industry don't go with each other. But aspiring to make films in a country where you are being told that you'll be a political prisoner because of what you think, I never discussed any film idea with anyone back then, but just for the things I thought, and those were the thoughts of a 15-year-old who had no education in social or political sciences, and yet ... being or becoming a filmmaker in such circumstances is just impossible. Other than maybe if you have a group of people really close to you and are extremely supportive and counteract those harsh conditions, but about me, my mother ruined me.

People love to say, your destiny is in your hand and your hand only, but the reality, even if you don't want to discuss the God's influence, it's just not that way, and not that simple. My mother's influence about studying economics wasn't any different than being a filmmaker but what made the difference were individuals who persuaded me, step by step, that if I want to achieve X, I have to do Y, for example:

  • You have to publish your ideas on a website ...
  • You have to write a business plan
  • You have to have MVP before pitching your idea into any big company
  • An MVP isn't even remotely good enough, you have to have enough users, so that big company catches your startup and purchases your startup
  • You aren't allowed to start a company if you have no business knowledge ...

And finally, I ended up getting a BBA. I have discontinued studying Architecture three times in the past, simply because, though on the paper Architecture is a mix of "art and science" and comes with the ability to work for yourself, so a hunch of entrepreneurship too. I just couldn't.

But about other passions and aspirations individuals who would suggest me in order to achieve X I should do Y and that it looks like a good idea and that it might be possible and etc. didn't existed, or weren't as many to undo the negative influence of the woman who calls herself "mother"; I find it a curious title, when you're responsible for ruining every residual piece of self-sense in your child before he has psychologically matured enough to not be harmed by what you have done or failed to do.

Last Thursday, thinking about whether I can convince Jennette McCurdy to offer me a chance to help her with her script, I ended up facing memories from childhood which I have tried to keep buried inside myself at the cost of never walking in the direction of that passion; Here is a little of what went inside me:

It was a serious thing when I purchased this book "The Filmmaker's Handbook".

I wasn't stupid enough to believe a book can make a filmmaker but just for the sake of knowing more about what it takes to realize a percentage of my dreams, and I haven't even been able to open a single page of it. I haven't read a single page from it. And believe me, I'm not lazy.

This book is about 2,200 pages on my current screen resolution and Pride and Prejudice 700 pages and I have read it twice in order to use bits and parts of it in this or that article, and those articles neither were requested for any course, or I was paid for, or I became famous because of it, or anything; So far, they are just "dust in the wind", like the rest of my life.

Sometimes people psychologically damage you so much when chasing your passions that years pass by since you purchased a book manual about that skills behind their backs and you still hadn’t opened one single page of it. Fuck you guys, Fuck you! Even the God-damned psychologist we visited once, I mean, fuck it, that stranger in a single session would offer me to introduce me to his screenwriter friends at summer time if I concentrate on the national university attendance exam … Fuck it! Really fuck it!

Fuck your parenthood skills! Fuck you! Fuck your degree in child pedagogy. Fuck you!

Can't you see that? I'm not even a shell of a man! Fuck you. Did your parenthood really help? I mean, really? A 26-year old walking in the streets because he can't stop his tears, the tears that should have been dropped when you tore his passions and self-worth to shreds! Is it really parenthood? Fuck you.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

You know my sister has been more times to the cinema than I ever have been, though I'm the one more passionate about filmmaking. Just fuck you!

Yeah, you know, I was fucking sensitive. You know, your fucking words meant to me, your fucking never existence support and encouragement could have meant to me! Just fuck you!

You know, the other time when we had that last heated discussion where I end up deciding to give up on pursuing filmmaking, do you remember what was your last, last, last, final concern: I'll end up being in relationship with an actress who says "I love you" on the screen to many men and kisses and etc.

FUCK YOU! It ruined me to sit there and hear those words when I was the one who was raped! You know, your highest concern is me being in a relationship with an actress cuz she might not be as un-promiscuous as you are? What the fuck! I was raped, and you worried about the promiscuity of a hypothetical future?

Fuck you!

You know, now, I'm 26, and my most intimate relationship in life has been with suicide thoughts. Or okay, if we don't want to count conceptual beings only physical ones: then, mostly men who were much older when I was way much younger. So, where the fuck does your concern add in, huh? If I don't go into filmmaking, I will have a shot at a happy marriage? Where the fuck is that?

I'm looser what the fuck do marriage adds in any calculation? I mean, really?

Fuck you!

Oh, and by the way, I had to buy that book secretly by secretly purchasing gift cards for iTunes and etc. because to my parents spending 19$ on a book about a topic you're passionate about but isn't part of their plan for your future, is more horrible than for average parent discovering their child's smoking weeds.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!