Disclaimer: Intimate Issues

I was very insecure about letting other people know how I feel about them, because letting people know what I think or how I feel, has never been good in my life, since my childhood [or at least the event that I remember, are always of this kind].

First after the event between me and A. S. Happened as they happened.

First after Shirin said me behind the phone that „You should have told her, that you love her, because when a girl says so, it means that she wants you to say that you love her.“

First after I realized that the greatest wrong that Muhammad did was fearing people instead of Allah, and not revealing his feeling because of that fear …

First after I watched that scene from “The Time Traveler’s Wife” that:

The time Traveler: I met a girl. And since I’ve been with her, I feel safe. I haven’t felt that way for a long time. Not since I was a kid. I wish she could hear you sing.

Her mother [back when he was 3 years old]: Maybe she will one day.

The Time Traveler: I’m really glad I met you.

Her mother: I’m glad I met you too. Make sure that girl knows how you feel about her.

It took a long while till I came to the conclusion that I should let people know, if I love them.

That’s the reason behind stating my love in public.

None of the individuals I have stated publicly stated that I love you and I wish to marry you, in one way or another way, had any idea about what I am supposed to say, publish, perform, or whatever the medium and method I had chosen.

I believe people don’t get conscious about how the feel for someone in any particular moment since they get to know each other, or after any particular event.

So, what I have stated is my conscious judgment and the rights are reserved that I be totally wrong about that there is any mutual affection between us.

Another aspect of stating my love in public, especially when the other person is a public figure, is to prove my highest honor, respect, admiration, …, say it plainly to show the public that I give the best of my life and wish to share all the good moments of my life with that individual. It is to put the value of these individuals into the light and to let all the worlds know that these individuals are as much as much as much valuable to me as myself. To value these individuals as much as you value me.

Why I insisted?

There has been time that I really, hardheadedly insisted on having a particular individual. I know that I may not be the best choice possible, to me it wasn’t important to have a relationship with this or that individual, but that if we love each other, then we build our life together. The reason why I insisted has been that I had enough signs to conclude that we love each other, and all the reasons that other people had that we shouldn’t start a relationship were in their core wrong. I stand for the right and stand against the wrong, even if it costs my life, if Allah wills …

How many girlfriend did I already have?

None.

Why did I never had a romantic or even sexual relationship with any woman or girl?

There are lots of answers to this question. The most intimate one is that there have been unfortunate events in my life that harden a natural development of sexuality, and gender identity. Few side effect of this phenomena in my life is hating any art of body contact, never flirting [honestly, when I say something to a woman, I mean it. It is not because I am Asperger, but because I never wished to go in bed with any woman, unless A. S. And it wasn’t because I liked it, to me imagining having bodily contact with someone was horrifying, but because it seemed to me, that if I ever going to have a relationship with her, I possibly going to be in bed with her time to time …, so I never try to get to see if a woman is attracted in me or not, because the idea of being attracted to my body has been horrifying to me, till long after I met A. S.] or that I more or less behave time to time as a female, time to time as a male, and most of the time genderless. Every gifted individual is able to behave genderless, far intensiver than average people, but to me the genderless behavior is the default way of living my daily life, and lots of other side effects …

Don’t I wish for punishment for individuals responsible? Don’t I think of rescuing one more victim?

The point is I was under legal age. I have no proof. So even if I find these individuals, even if the legal system be all too eager to seek punishment for the event that has happened long ago, those criminals deserve fair judgment, too.

So, I don’t expect a court to make a judgment just because me after all these years come and claim, „oh, that man did this.“ These individuals are free to defend themselves, and I don’t think anyone would say, „oh, you are right, I did that!“ The chance to win a court decision seems like zero, and after all, if you want to prevent child abuse, the way is not to punish one person or that other person, when it is so wide-spread. You need to teach people how to love each other. You need to take care that people who love each other, marry each other. You need to take care that marriages last for ever, and people who don’t love each other get separated as soon as possible and lots of other things. But I don’t see any of these ideas in our societies. People do anything but love.

Yes, from Coca-Cola to iPad, love is the background theme in advertisements, but very few put any value to love in their lives.

Seeing those individuals being punished won’t cure anything in me. I have not been an adult, who knows what sex, what love, what erotic and etc is, and has been raped, that now punishing those people in front of my eyes would motivate the cure of my psyche. The result of those events is my shattered development in respect of sexuality, in respect of erotic. Curing those wounds takes tremendous amount of energy, time, love, profession, and etc and etc and etc.

Therefor I am not really that much feeling bad, that the relationships that I wished to have never worked out. The two women that I asked them to have a relationship while knowing each other in person, were both in a relationship, and to be honest, as a human being, I am glad that at least there is someone sexually satisfying in their life, in contradiction to me, who would have been a long story, till I could have been to any use to someone else’s sexual pleasure. Yes, the reason I offered them to have a relationship were of no sexual point, but for all other people sexuality plays a role and not everyone prefers to have by default no ‚sex‘ in their lives, because in their unconscious ‚sex‘ is associated with things that kill out their psyche.

But thankfully I am not there, where I was some years ago.

For that, I have to thank the movie Good Will Hunting, which was the first time I come in touch with the idea that trauma has its effects on how you make relationships later on in your life …

I have to thank the movie „The Perks of Being a Wallflower“, which was the first time that I realized why I rather preferred having ‚sex‘ in a dark room back of my mind that never ever I attend in my life, than something that you do with the person that you love …

If it wasn’t because of A. S. I would have never gone through all these. I would have rather distracted myself the whole time from sex, and tried to suppress all my hatred toward bodily contacts than working so hard to figure out why I am not so normal as other people are … and understanding that ‚sex‘ as other people say, is the most joyful experience of in a love-relationship, and not something that you hate every moment of it, not something that you have for yourself and agree that other people enjoy it …

I have to thank Caitlin Hall, who was the first individual in my life who didn’t avoid talking about her body parts, and it was such a tremendous experience to know that a person usually doesn’t hate her body parts when it comes to sexual pleasure, as I hate any part that is related to my own sexuality … Yes, I have heard people saying sex is good but nothing was so close to having somebody that I trusted as a best friend, talking of her body with happiness, whereas I hated anything about sex, when it came to my own body …

I have to thank Carolin Emcke for her book, ‚wie wir begehren‘ which helped me to live the adolescent that I never lived. My adolescence experiences of my own body entail 99,99999999% hate and the rest could be curiosity, and etc. And her stories were where I saw that for other people extreme hatred is not what makes the most of their sexual and erotic experiences, but a handful of other emotions …

I have to thank Alain de Botton for his book ‚How to think More about Sex‘, which was the first time that someone talk in my language about sex …

I have to thank Jeannette Franke which was the first woman who even though didn’t know me and even though we had no idea how the future might have been for both of us, tried to turn me on, and that was the first time after all these improvements that I tried to not having that much hatred in myself about bodily contacts, I couldn’t make it to kiss her, to hold her hand, the best I did was sitting close to her and not hating her and myself and my body and the moment, but it was a lesson to me that I have still a lot, a lot, a lot to do, to be able to be like normal people …

I have to thank lots of other authors for talking about sex in their books, to name a few, Gabrielle Zevin, Stefan Zweig, Cecelia Ahern, Kristine Bilkau …

I have to thank lots of movies which had some or other related issue about sex and erotic inside them, to name a few, „Generation Um…“, „Moonrise Kingdom“, „The Horse Whisperer“ [which was extremely important to me to understand what does it mean to be traumatized and how trauma could be healed …], „The Fault in Our Stars“ [which was the first time I saw a girl looking for a boy], „Ned Rifle“ [which I can’t describe what this film means to me], „In Your Eyes“ [which I couldn’t watch but not crying], and lots of other films …

And lots of other people, works of art, and fiction or documentaries and biographies, which helped me being less distance from sex, hating ‚sex‘ and ‚my body‘ less …

I have to thank Peter A. Levine and Ann Frederick for their book „Waking the Tiger; Healing Trauma“, which light me up about what has happened with me, helped me to accept my psyche’s reaction to the events in my past, and not being in fight with myself, my body, my mind, my psyche, my heart … before that all these were in fight with one another, and I had no idea how can I be like normal people but gave me hope for the first time and let me know that there is another way to healing trauma than trying to facing it on a daily basis … and yet I still didn’t finish the book because reading it takes so much energy from me, and for days afterward I am troubled with the trauma effects and all that I want to do is ending everything, hiding, crying, and it kind of makes my normal life flow impossible …

I have to thank that anonym respondent to the question on Quora about how does it feel to have the penis of your boyfriend inside you …, which enabled me to understand that ‚sex‘ is not an experience that both parties involved hate it, but something that both individuals recall it as something beautiful …

Is there anyone I loved, I wish to have sex with or any other kind of affection who is not mentioned online?

No. The real answer is the ‚wish‘ to have sex with someone is a hard work for me, that most of the time I hate myself because of it, because even after all my attempts to make everything normal for myself, psychological sadness associated with such events is still so vivid and present in the back of my mind.

So, it is more that I express my love for someone and whether it turns into an erotic wish, is rather too much psychological work for me, which I never really, truly succeed.

Lately, I am understanding that lots of times I behaved myself in the wrong manners, that my behavior seemed like flirting to other people, where for me there was no erotic feeling there. Even once I got a man’s phone number because he thought I am a homosexual and I am attracted to him!

So, I am extremely sorry that I couldn’t present how I feel with my body, the way that other people do, and that I often try to fake the feelings with my body. Honestly, my life is already painful enough, imagine, me pushing you out of my arms, because I hate my body touching someone else’s body and etc.

Okay, I have made lots of improvements about greetings, I don’t hate the body contacts that happens by the time of greeting anymore but I can’t behave like a normal human.

I believe all the women and men are attractive, but I want to have one wife for the rest of my life, if Allah wills. So, I don’t care whether someone is attractive or not. Sorry, if you had any wish for me and I didn’t reciprocate them. Most of the people that I love, there is already something publicly available about them. Whether you are that particular individual that I write something about and I didn’t tell her, I can’t tell you behind the screen. [To be honest, there is one beautiful girl I twice happened to see her in a Cafe, I never talked to her, I don’t know what is her name, I have no idea about her, she is the only person, I liked that I have no information about her, but the chance that such person being you is zero, other individuals are publicly available, so far.]

I am sorry that I didn’t fall in love with all the attractive girls I met in my life, but this is the beauty of the life, because at the end of the end, you too, also need to have only one person interested in yourself, so, if this person is not me, it shouldn’t really matter, unless you really think that we can love each other and I am kind of blind to your love for me …

I wish Allah guides every lover to their beloved one, in case they are good individuals …

At the end

I believe being rejected by the wrong person in your life, will probably help you end up with the right person in your life, if Allah wills …

Whether someone that I know in person, or whether someone as a public figure, or whether just that girl that I just saw her in a Cafe and I have no idea about her, I believe all of these individuals are wonderful personalities, and I am honest in my feelings and my writings, and I wish somehow things work good at the end, but slowly it looks like that I am running out of time … maybe in that case, it would be better that I don’t start a relationship with anyone at all … —and Allah knows better.

As said before, I don’t wish to have more than one person in my life, and if there is more than one person that I said „I love you“ to, in my life, it is because complicated situations, otherwise even though all these individuals being wonderful personalities, I don’t wish to have more than one person in my life.

I hope all of us end up with the one he/she truly love each other for the rest of their lives in the mercy of Allah, if Allah wills …