For years it was not easy for me to be asked, “what do you do?”
For example, there has been a period of time that my answer was
> "I dropped out of university, college, institute and etc ..."
and it wasn’t just once, but I usually would skip adding
> “No, they didn’t throw me out. No, there wasn’t any issue regarding the disciplines and etc. or ...”
After I learned the German expression1 that should be used in such occasions, few times I actually said that “I felt underchallenged”, but it didn’t seem anybody would believe me.
Because for people my answer didn’t really matter, they believed rather in the former possibilities, unless there were such a kind and generous individual as Kartika, who would respond with dignity and enthusiasm that
> “No! He is really good in mathematics and physics. He is ...”2
For example, there had been a period of time that my answer was
> “I am thinking ...”
but I never continued that
> “I feel this life is no more worth continuing without A. S. and I can't really bear the pain that she is not here with me ...” and never ever really continued that
> “Most of the time when I am alone, I cry”
> “I am trying to more or less spend my time alone ....”
somehow I didn’t really give these answers to anyone. Even after all, even now when I talk with someone they think like I cry for a girlfriend, but honestly, she was never my girlfriend and back then I was so reverse-developed about sexuality and erotic love that ...
But slowly I tried to pull all the works I am doing together in one place, to be more accurate, some of them that are more publicly publishable ... and show them in a space called “Lost Ideas Lab”, but here you hit the hard truths in the reality. Actually, nobody cares about the website. After you correct the spellings difficulties and they realize that it is website and thing like this, the response of people is like:
> “Oh! you are having a blog!”
maybe that’s the best respond between all the other because then I can patiently tell them that “No, No, No, it is a real website. Yes, there is a part on the website that I publish my thoughts there as ‘The Lost Ideas Lab Journal’ but there is also a section where I publish my poems, and one for the stories that are finished and some for other more serious projects that you can best read about them on the website, too. ...”
> “So, what is this website about?”
if I should explain you all that is available on the website, then why make the website in the first place?
> “So, what are you doing on the website?”
> “You build this website yourself? I am using Tumbler, why don’t you use it? It’s really cool!”
As if they know what Tumbler is and I don’t!
So here you go. The Lost Ideas Lab’s Facebook page and blog are there to keep you informed about what I am doing there.3
It is just to have an answer to that question “what are you doing.”
Thanks for passing by and spending your time to read this and sorry for the hard words, but usually people don’t even imagine that there are hard words behind the everyday sentences, unless you tell them ...
“I habe mich unterfordert gefühlt.” ↩
Kartika, your support meant me a lot and I am sorry for that wrong impression that I made by that conversation ... Sorry for what I did. ↩
It would be the best to every once in a while check out the website because I am not going to publish everything here, nor I am going to inform you about all the new stuff that I published on the website ... ↩