1 month ago | Reflections
I used to live a life where I hated what I do, what I had to do, and where I was headed, and ...
For a long time, it was so hard for me, to decide how far should I trust and value my understanding and view of the world and how far that of others. I don't believe as humans we are born with such fundamental mistrust to ourselves, but here is not the right place to go into detail of how I end up there at young ages.
There is a lot that can be written about this matter and one can attempt to answer this question from lots of different aspects but I want to only talk about one series of events.
In the past I would often ignore the events in my life as they didn't really belong to me, and it was so hard for me to talk with people about such matters as I never believed I could explain to someone the discrepancy between what is really meaningful and important to me in life, versus what is considered as valuable and meaningful by others in the life I lived, I trusted others opinion for a very long time that of course, I'm less experienced and I'm not being told of any alternatives, so perhaps I can trust there are good reasons for such things.
The example of this kind discrepancy that I want to talk about is events I would or I wouldn't celebrate.
Let's first make it clear that personally, I have the conviction to respect the people I live with, so for example, I wrote an article as greeting for Christmas as I'm in Europe, but besides this reason, I don't have any reason for celebrating any much events in my life, in contrast to people's expectation of me.
I'm supposed to celebrate the new year of my home land's calendar, but that culture has nothing to do with me, other than me having grown up for a couple of years inside it or under its influence, I don't see myself anything but homeless.
It's not only political matters that prohibits me from acting according to people's expectations, for example, the past time for my own birthday, I didn't even remember it, and then some family member reminded me about it, and telling me I should answer the phone calls of my parents, because they want to say happy birthday to me, and I felt so terrible, not because I didn't have a birthday party or what the fuck ever, but because I couldn't tell those who cared so much about me that one way or the other could have considered me having an obligation to inform them about my date of birth, but I never could, because these people were so easily treating what was so important to me, with so much disrespect, I was so furious of living such life, that I wrote a text and named a few of them, here is how it goes:
the guy who thinks to be your friend, send you a message after perhaps his wife has read an update of mine on Facebook, “how I am doing?” the same guy killed us to accept instead of a fake company make a real company ...
the other guy who in my face considers my talks to be bullshit, till he discovers apparently my grade in the school aren’t bullshit, writes you a message, “when you think no one is listening, I’m there for you ...”
- or the attractive very young woman in your class whom you hoped to live the rest of your life with and tried to tell her that and she responding “I don’t think you are the right guy for me but thank you for your honesty ...” … couple of months later asking the social psychology teacher on a theory that people usually try to appear fake humble to hear praises, and she asks the teacher: “what if some is really thinking he is not good enough” and the teacher responding something like “no, it is the same” and she insisting “no, but if someone very honestly thinks that they have very problems ...” – if it wasn’t my life, it was very extremely funny that a man dying for a woman’s interest and she instead being more interested in making sense of that man cuz he seems so unusual and unfit in any theory she learns at school and she feels unable to help him ...
I'm not the God to be able to judge myself fairly but even if I'm a terrible person, these individuals aren't friends of this terrible person and I would rather save them the effort of telling "happy birthday" and save myself the uncomfortableness of being unable to say, "you don't even remotely respect what matters to me and could be of interest/benefit to you too, what a birthday? You are happy for me being born? Save your fake happiness, let's put some effort in doing something that is relevant."
These individuals are brilliant, some of them are both extremely good people and I feel extreme in love or friendship with them, but my feelings, comparing this to my parents, who supposedly were angry of me ignoring their call, as if it was intentional, I had no clue it was my birthday, I was busy with other stuff. The worse is with my parents that I have to accept their love by their words, when their behavior has been such that I felt never belonging to those people, what I put my mind, time and energy on has no value to them, if not being considered a sin or harm or whatever, so these are the people who say happy birthday to me.
The relationship between me and my parents is so terrible that A. S. who never know me more than few weeks, would mistakenly try to make a birthday for me and I was so touched by what she did that my parents picked up on my happiness and decided to celebrate my birthday from then onward on that false date. Do you see the stupidity? As if my happiness was bound with the false calendar date.
The past two years or more precisely the past year, I had the opportunity to avoid almost all social events that didn't matter to me, and it was just great, for the first time me wanting to celebrate Fitr had a meaning to me and I guess, the one person who heard of me about it understood how much the event and she herself matter to me, or at least I hope so ...
The past twelve months I only celebrated, or wished to celebrate solely two events, one of them Fitr and this time I can really tell someone "yeah, that's a date that is meaningful to me, that's an event that I see a reason to celebrate it and here is my reason ..."
In the past when I would hint to the idea that I don't really understand the meaning of this or that celebration, people would come up to me with warnings about how empty and sad a life without social events would be, but now that I've lived a year like this, I really truly don't wish my life to be as sad and empty as it, yet I can stand for not having spent my time and energy on things that literarily had no relevance to me and ignoring what I stand for. I can tell, "yeah, there were only two events I wished to celebrate" and then I am able to tell precisely how it came down to this two and I can stand behind the decisions I made in life, instead of being like "yeah, I was there yesterday, but let's talk about something relevant ..."
Another point about celebration that is meaningful to me, is the presence of others who matter to my heart, to me there is no celebration without such individuals and this time at least, I can stand for the reality of my life: "There aren't many people that matter to me in my life ..." [let's forget about revealing a real number and names] but at least I'm clear about it is my inability of making friendships and beyond my failed attempts there haven't been interesting people around me ...
To me being able to say that is far more valuable than spending my life on friends that aren't real friends and a culture that isn't really mine and a celebration that I have nothing to do with.
I wish to celebrate this day with someone who loves me & I loved her but such a person doesn’t exist, and perhaps I'm so terrible in love and fucked up my past that me & loving someone won't going to work, but at least that was my intention, or dream, wish, hope, what I would have done if I could
This post isn't a critic on these individuals, one reason this information is public, is so you know even if the consequences of living out who you are is dire it is more acceptable than living a life that is not yours but the whole time you are acting as someone else, or maybe most of the time. As written in more detail in the ending chapter of the article "A bit of air to breath": "I believe I am the only one responsible for all my failures", none of these people are accountable to me for my mistakes and failures and that I fucked up my life, or however you want to put it ...
Read more on what I mean by these at "noble cause" ...
PS. I respect these individuals and my parents and they have had a lot of positive impacts in my life too, but you have to understand that being glad because someone is born and then neglecting what is truly essential to them and it is within your reach and don't cost you anything, is not something possible. If you truly care about someone so much, you won't do such thing unless out of not knowing, or forgetfulness.