Two movies & two vows ...

1 month ago | Diary

As long as I can remember, I believed, or better said, I couldn't think of any other chain of events than "when you know where a road leads and you don't want to end up there, you are not going to take it, not on your own at least".

The past nine months I watched two movies that to a great degree resemble(d) my life, or better said, the way I navigate my life at the moment. One is "Trust" by Hal Hartley, the later one "Into the Wild" and while both movies don't have a happy ending, they made me realize I don't want to cause my life to end for those reasons. Not that I find this life so happy or, at least, promising to have a hope for something or ... but because watching the movies made me realize how easy it is to oversee possible solutions and avoid taking them, or better said, both main characters make decisions that in their mind are right choices, when they aren't, namely:

  • I am not going to take on a job that I don't want to do, in an organization that I'm fundamentally against its practices and drive myself into madness ...

  • I am not going to avoid building connections with other people, even if a romantic relationship, and I am not going to judge the other individual and myself based on whether we are suitable for each other on the paper ...

That the movies don't have a happy ending doesn't mean they don't cause the audience to be left in despair, in contrast, both movies rather seemed to me as a warning story, something you would tell in order to make the audience realize where the protagonists are going wrong and realizing something on your own is one of the best ways of learning it

However, now, a while later since I first saw those movies, I find myself taking the same path and disregarding everything inside me and this realization totally blew me away, as I never expected that I could do down a path that I knew ends in one way or the other form of life-destruction, while I knew about this and while I was aware that this is not the way I wish to live my life.

I just can't understand how did I get it so wrong. Watching the movies it wasn't impossible to realize that this moment or that moment, the first or the second protagonist did meet conditions which could rescue them, yet they walked away from them, and it is so hard to accept that even though I knew of both of these stories beforehand I'm following similar mistakes, mistakes with irreversible results ...

I never believed that revealing one's intention in public could have any impact on achieving those, but I came to realize it changes one's position in the environment and the environment's reaction to oneself, because then you can say no to everything that is against your commitment, and as well the environment is going to learn about your commitments and align its position based on who you really are, so:

  • I'm not going to deprive my abilities to be acted upon only because in my eyes it is not going to silence a stomach

  • I'm not going to deprive my feelings of being acted upon only because in my eyes I'm too old, or any other social convention

I wish I had never made lots of the mistakes I made in my past and I wish I was a far better person, but at least one step at a time and perhaps both these promises are one, if we go with a more advance and definition of Abraham Maslow's "self-actualization", perhaps it should be:

  • I'm not going to deprive my Self of Its actualization rather give it all of me ...

Whether this act would be a good turning point or these are symptoms of a problem that I’m not seeing it, in addition to there is the influence of others, society, the environment and specific individuals on one’s life, but these vows are fundamental shifts to how I tried to live my life and I feel strong about standing against the invisible prescription of the society for my life, I wish the God helps me with all these and provides me with all that is out of my control ...

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