Delayed note on sadness

2 months ago |

It is about two months from the event that brought up this amount of sadness to my heart, but I didn’t want to tell anything about the reasons why I felt so at that moment, and hence this rather important post remained unpublished, but thanks to the God one way or the other I get forced to be back to what the ideal life looked to me:

I wanna run

I wanna fall

I wanna take every chance that's given to me

Live this life like I've got nothing to hide

Free and wild

With the heart of a child

With the heart of a child

– Jennette McCurdy, Heart of a Child

As the promise of not having anything to hide goes:

Brilliant woman few days ago told me she doesn’t like to go outside because she is allergenic to blossoms and that day I was forced to see she walking on the street with someone else. I can’t give a for sure answer about why people do what they do, especially someone I so strongly feel about, so maybe her friends comment back then is a better account of the events, she was responding to another girl who commented on them walking together “Oh, they look nice together” and I was sitting on the other corner of the room and she was looking to my face [and I don’t know why she wished me not to be that sad, whether because there was no reason to be sad, or her ...], anyway she continued with the firm response that as if it to be to me and not the girl who was sitting beside her “No. S____ is not such a girl” and it was so strong that the other girl started to correct herself “Oh, I only meant ...”

Here is the note from back then:

When I was about 15, the saddest music of Iran's folk music were the only music that resonated with me ... around 20 I met the woman who proved me the only option left for me was suicide ... by 22, I came to regret having passed the appropriate date for suicide and ... By now, the aggregate written records of human sad poems, stories, words, are not good enough to resonate with how I feel ...

Thank you so much Vlada, even though all the experiences I ever had with liking someone ends the experience of with watching their life developing with someone else, [despite the one and half time, I was unwantedly in the middle of other people's relationship, once for someone's insistence, other time for their lie about the kind of their relationship], I mean, once upon a time you get used to assuming things are just going to turn into another reason to break you with any sign but thanks for the effort though ...

At the end the better is everyone ending up with someone and hopefully good people end up with good people they love each other, in that light, I don't mind celebrating watching someone I like having a great life with someone else, the cause of pain sometimes is I never learned to deal with lies, not when I put the cornerstone of the relationship on unconditional trust, there even what others call white lies, breaks me ...

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