1 year ago | Reflections

When I was 14 or 15 maybe, there were lots of moments when I wanted someone to hug me, and there was no no no one in my life, and beside that I hated to have body contact with others, and some other events contributed to that hatred becoming even stronger.

There was once someone in my life, who would always tell me, I try to rationalize everything and back then I couldn’t understand what she means, but now I can tell what I was doing. I was trying to live the life the only way that I have learned to live. When there are no arms to hold you when you need the most, what do you? A possible option is to discard feelings and go for rationality. It is like being so intensely in need for something that you do no more want to go after satisfying that need, because you know it takes so many resources that you don’t have any of it … So, you just live your life as if such need doesn’t exist.

And till I met A. S. It was okay to live that way, because it was fine not to show any emotions …

And slowly those moments that I wished to be hugged come less and less frequent, I can recall such thing only on very very very especial occasions after I was 15.

But today I was like, back there and just wishing, I could call someone and ask we met by the lake and just go in her arms and stay there for some hours …

Actually, there is no one to call. You can call me being bad in dating, but if ever, there are only a few people that may ever come to question for me for such thing, and I just know two of them in person …

Not having someone to call on such moments sucks …

Not having any idea how to find such person sucks …

The girl that would come in question for me, if she loved me so, and she stupidly thinks I am homophobe sucks …

This life simply sucks

PS. I could have never imagined a misunderstanding so big, me seeing her as “this wonderful soul that can be my rescue”, she thinking that I see her as this “disgusting lesbian who should be forced to change her relationship and life and the rest …”, I wish to be in her arms when I feel like losing my ground and she thinks I wish to repress her and consider her as a sex toy and a housewife who should do the jobs at house. To say “life sucks” doesn’t really reflect my dissatisfaction with life.


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